the hardest part is trying to regulate my self to minimalize of any trigger for any situation and peoples. oh ya, for any people would be hard to accept any disappointment, so do I. It takes a times for me to get back sanity or adaptable of accepting the process of disappointment. the emotional explosion is hardly to control. even when it comes and I can't hold the emotion, it would feels uncomfortable at my chest, and I think it would be turned to the worst part too. So, I choose to release that scream to the people and It makes me feels guilty, and it was turning around and back. like a circle of devils. that sucked!
When I am not in a down period, It is not that worst to face any situations. but when it comes, I can be too sensitive or get easy to irritate to see any perspective or even a moment, and that would be looks overwhelm or even exaggerate.
that is a hard point to know the symptom. need a sensitivity to know what things that must I care about my self. people said, It need a self love. but I think I have done what they are called as self love.
I actually do anything to made what they called as a self love, like doing any hobbies, cooking, baking, writing, reading, travelling, praying and you can mention it. I have done all of this, and I have been trying to a make a peace to accept anything that God is gave to me, and I do that. I think I feel sufficient, but why any part of me still asked for more. I just want to say, enough.
I took a medicine, Going to any practitioners, but I do not drink it regularly! my bad.
actually, I feels grateful, because this "down periods" of mood disorder was not as bad as first time I got, This is still on my control, but still it made an uncomfortable feelings, it Likes, overthinking and an a bottle-up emotion.
so, it always the bad things of me, when I try to express what I'm feelings, the feelings of to looks bad, more suffer than others, to opened up that I have the most sad life, it sound I absorbed the others sadness. and that the feeling when other feels grateful, it is likes an achievement, to make them stop complaining, but in the same time, I feel sad.
but in other hand, I need to expelled that shit as well! sometimes, I know it was not right, it is wrong, but still I can't control it. I just think that my life was made to serve, not to be served. that's it!
I know everyone has their own capability to face the up and down in life, but when it comes to down period it turn to be and need an extra effort, and I feel so exhausted.
Maybe any skill to regulate my self is need a long last prosses. yes, it always take times and exhausting. But, this is the destiny that I have. so, This part is what I need to going through.
So, Pray for the best of me. I do need My sanity to makes my dream comes true.
Anyone, would be glad if you can give me a suggestion, or even any kind of perspective. Thank you!
Sincerily, Febriana
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